So you spent all day yesterday being grateful about life and...all day today buying and grasping for sale items you’ll regret buying as soon as your January credit card statements are in.
There is only one wine that pairs with Black Friday, and that is Port. Since we all had varying levels of retail trauma and full parking lots, it’s time to plan your evening glass in accordance with today’s trials.
If you woke up before the sun to buy anything:
Have a white port. Perhaps in a cocktail. Personally, I enjoy a cocktail with equal parts white port, club soda and St. Germaine with a mint garnish. If you got what you wanted and a nap in before noon, you’re winning. If there is such a thing on a day like this.
If at any point you said “Fuck today” because park sharking, disorganized shelving and the line at Starbucks were too much:
Break from tradition and try Warre’s Otima 10. It’s a tawny port aged ten years in oak casks that make it attractive to drinkers of bourbon and whiskey. It will make you feel better, I promise. And it’s cheaper than Xanax. The Otima 20 is also great, but with a slightly higher cost. You could find these at most specialty wine stores.
Now let’s say you considered snatching that last HDTV at Best Buy from the hands of a decrepit grandma:
A vintage ruby port is in order. You need some complex self-reflection and for that, the nuances of vintage Port will suffice. This will set you back about $100, but if you were thinking about buying a TV, this splurge is worth it. Find a Graham’s 2007 and drink it while considering this new minimalist living movement.
If you stayed home but ventured out to get groceries (you absolute fool, you) and thought your local shopping center was a mom-filled version of Lord of the Flies:
Get some cheese to go with non-vintage ruby port and GET OUT OF THERE. A serviceable port can be found a most supermarkets for about $20. Since you’re mostly skipping today’s violent commercialism, your checking account is more robust than almost everyone around you. Keep it that way and buy a non-vintage bottle of Dow’s Ruby Port.
If you actually assaulted someone arguing over an electronic device:
Call your lawyer, buy the cheapest California knock-off Port you can, and allocate your savings toward impending legal fees.
I choose port because of its unique history. You’ll notice despite it being a Portuguese wine, many Port shippers are actually English surnames. That’s because the 18th and 19th century British thought they could own absolutely everything (sorta like Americans on Black Friday) and Port production was no exception. Importing Port was done mainly because war with France (yes, the Brits thought they could own and occupy parts of other countries, too) limited the amount of wine available, and duties on imports from Portugal were low. Merchants, as the best-off citizenry, often bought entire facilities and renamed them. The market for Port held up even after wars died down, and some of the families have kept the Port shipping businesses in their name for centuries.
Learn more about Port Wine and see pretty graphics at one of my favorite wine blogs here: http://winefolly.com/review/what-is-port-wine/
There is only one wine that pairs with Black Friday, and that is Port. Since we all had varying levels of retail trauma and full parking lots, it’s time to plan your evening glass in accordance with today’s trials.
If you woke up before the sun to buy anything:
Have a white port. Perhaps in a cocktail. Personally, I enjoy a cocktail with equal parts white port, club soda and St. Germaine with a mint garnish. If you got what you wanted and a nap in before noon, you’re winning. If there is such a thing on a day like this.
If at any point you said “Fuck today” because park sharking, disorganized shelving and the line at Starbucks were too much:
Break from tradition and try Warre’s Otima 10. It’s a tawny port aged ten years in oak casks that make it attractive to drinkers of bourbon and whiskey. It will make you feel better, I promise. And it’s cheaper than Xanax. The Otima 20 is also great, but with a slightly higher cost. You could find these at most specialty wine stores.
Now let’s say you considered snatching that last HDTV at Best Buy from the hands of a decrepit grandma:
A vintage ruby port is in order. You need some complex self-reflection and for that, the nuances of vintage Port will suffice. This will set you back about $100, but if you were thinking about buying a TV, this splurge is worth it. Find a Graham’s 2007 and drink it while considering this new minimalist living movement.
If you stayed home but ventured out to get groceries (you absolute fool, you) and thought your local shopping center was a mom-filled version of Lord of the Flies:
Get some cheese to go with non-vintage ruby port and GET OUT OF THERE. A serviceable port can be found a most supermarkets for about $20. Since you’re mostly skipping today’s violent commercialism, your checking account is more robust than almost everyone around you. Keep it that way and buy a non-vintage bottle of Dow’s Ruby Port.
If you actually assaulted someone arguing over an electronic device:
Call your lawyer, buy the cheapest California knock-off Port you can, and allocate your savings toward impending legal fees.
I choose port because of its unique history. You’ll notice despite it being a Portuguese wine, many Port shippers are actually English surnames. That’s because the 18th and 19th century British thought they could own absolutely everything (sorta like Americans on Black Friday) and Port production was no exception. Importing Port was done mainly because war with France (yes, the Brits thought they could own and occupy parts of other countries, too) limited the amount of wine available, and duties on imports from Portugal were low. Merchants, as the best-off citizenry, often bought entire facilities and renamed them. The market for Port held up even after wars died down, and some of the families have kept the Port shipping businesses in their name for centuries.
Learn more about Port Wine and see pretty graphics at one of my favorite wine blogs here: http://winefolly.com/review/what-is-port-wine/
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